QUEER TAKE
"It was normal for me"
CHILD OF GAY PARENTS
ABBY TONEY 29
A social worker who was raised by her mother Carla and her lesbian partner. Ms Toney's mum conceived by having sexual relations with a man and never informing him she had fallen pregnant. She now lives in Hackney as a divorced mother of two.
UNOFFICIAL PACTS
While we're busy debating the wording of the HFE bill, it's easy to forget that 30 years ago gay parents lived in such a "climate of fear" that they hid their pregnancies even from the fathers. This was the case for mother of two Carla Toney....
Carla Toney, B.A., M.A., was born in Eagle Rock, California in 1946 (mother to Abby who appears in video scroll down to view). She had her children by having a brief sexual relationship with man and not informing him.
She now lives in Germany with her partner ( a different one from the one who raised Abby and her sibling) and was kind enough to answer the following questions by email.
Do you ever regret not informing the girls' father that he has twins?
Yes, I sometimes wish that I had been able to inform their father. But at the time women who had chosen lesbian lifestyles were still being taken to court and losing custody of their children. This happened to friend so I didn’t dare to take a chance.
Do children need a father figure?
It’s wonderful if children have a loving father figure. But to have an abusive father, as so many fathers are, - well, quite frankly, then it’s better to have none. So if the father is loving and a good role model, then it’s great. If not, then better to have one loving parent than two who fail to protect the child.
Did you worry that your children would face bullying because of the prejudices that exist about homosexuality at that time?
My daughter Abby did face bullying. I kept in close touch with the school authorities and actually intervened when negative things happened. But children often bully and I did my best to protect them both. I often invited other children to the house in order to ensure their social inclusion.
What do you think about the opinion some people have that being homosexual means you forfeit the right to have children?
Why should I forfeit the right to have children when thousands, millions of heterosexual parents do not particularly want their own children and are neither as responsible nor as loving as I was? Same goes for other gay parents.
Are there any advantages to a child having two mums or two dads do you think? What are they?
As for two mums or two dads, the more loving, responsible adults in a child’s life the better whether it’s a loving heterosexual couple or two loving responsible women, or two loving responsible men. It’s even better if the child has loving, responsible grandparents, aunts and uncles etc.
Email me here
UNOFFICIAL PACTS
What? Where gay men and women decide to team up and have a child together without any official body involved. This can involve various degrees of involvement from the father and mother.
Any method that isn’t overseen by an official body and means that one or both of the biological parents has no legal rights.
Who?
Frequently the arrangement can mean that two lesbians or two gay men rely on someone of the opposite sex to aid their conception unofficially through either:
i) Surrogacy – where the woman carries a child for two gay men
Or
ii) Unregulated sperm insemination – where a man provides sperm for two lesbians.
Gay couples or singletons tend to be unmarried with the aiding party (ie the male giving the sperm or the female carrying the baby) probably preferring to keep a limited role in the child’s life.
Why?
Conceiving without official bodies can appear easier and more convenient as it avoids lengthy screening processes and usually invasive counselling sessions. It also means there is no opportunity for discrimination or rejection. Many couples feel safer in these “unofficial pacts” among the gay community than venturing out where they are a minority.
Why not?
Although it appears easier and more comfortable there are grave medical and legal risks with conceiving unofficially according to sexual health nurse Vicki Papworth. Sperm will remain unscreened for diseases such as HIV or anything that can be hereditary and there will be less clear legal boundaries as to who has what rights as concerns the child. This could potentially backfire if anyone changes their mind about what parental role they wish to play.