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“I do worry for our son…. Because even if we are ready for all this maybe the world isn’t.”
(L-R Nicki, Will and Zoe)
CLICK ON THE AUDIO BELOW for some of Nicki and Zoe's views on Will's future, the prejudices you can face on a day to day basis as a gay parent and the relatively recent changes regarding the lift of anonymity on sperm donors. (Nicki is the first voice you’ll hear)
Nicki and Zoe Ward are both mums to the same boy, but their two year old Will isn't the least bit confused.
"I think even within a same sex couple the two parents inevitably end up playing two different roles in their children's life" remarks Nicki, 40.
"I should think it's pretty obvious for you to work out who plays mum and who plays dad in this relationship!" she continues.
She's certainly right, on looks alone it is easy to make the sort of prejudiced, generalisations about who wears the trousers and who cooks the tea. But the differences go deeper than that - Zoe, 32, is the main breadwinner with her job at Guildford College and as soon as she arrives home engages their son Will in a game of football and a go on the swing set; Nicki meanwhile is fluttering in and out of the kitchen with cakes and drinks and occasionally buts in the horse-play to wipe her son's nose or tie his shoelaces. Not much different to the expected role of a heterosexual mum and dad then.
"Of course it's a generalisation that all lesbian couples embody the typical male-female dynamic" says Zoe "but all of our gay friends certainly do!"
Nicki and Zoe recognise that they have been lucky as they were successful at their first attempt to conceive with the help of the London Fertility Clinic at Harley Street .
This was even more unusual given that the couple requested that although Nicki would carry the child - the eggs would be Zoe’s, so both felt they had a biological connection to the child.
That said the pair recognise that it is vastly important that Will has an actual biologically-sound male in his life. "We were asked on one of our first counselling sessions when we were initially being checked out whether we had considered the need for a father and we knew immediately that we wanted to ensure that base was covered for Will” Zoe says.
“People think because we’re lesbian we hate men which is so not the case and luckily our kind friends - a gay couple we know - have agreed to step in and play the male role models”.
The legislation on such matters is at a point of great change - with this very point being debated currently in the House of Commons. Zoe has nothing but positive things to say about this change and how it will open up IVF to so many more couples. For Nicki, the more cautious of the two it is still something she worries about. “I’ve been in straight relationships for my whole life and I always imagined that’s how I would conceive. Then I met Zoe and my whole world changed, I’ll never love anyone more but I do worry for our son’s balance - because even if we’re ready for all this - maybe the world isn’t.”
Zoe however, is much more willing to fight the fight: “You get single parent families and all they get is sympathy and compassion from society - while we’re analysed and judged to within an inch of our lives.”
I joined Nicki, Zoe and Will for dinner at their idyllic country home in Farnham to talk about their experiences.
IVF
What? In vitro (meaning outside the body) is the joining of a woman's egg and a man’s sperm in a laboratory dish.
Who? This method is preferred by lesbians for obvious biological reasons. The donor can be anonymous or already known and prepared to take some part in the child’s life.
Why? It ensures a biological connection to your child and because it’s done officially it means the sperm is screened for diseases such as HIV.
Why not? It’s expensive, time-consuming and can be quite draining and invasive both physically and emotionally with the tests and counselling you must undergo. In addition only one lesbian will be legally connected to the child. As for the donor they will lose their anonymity if the child wishes to find their father when they are 18.
GAY SURREY
In addition to raising William the women are also co-ordinators at the charity Gay surrey, a support group affiliated with Surrey County Council.
“We met the founder after he arranged our wedding ceremony and it really was the three of us who got it going as a social thing” says Zoe. The group got charity status in 2006 and Zoe and Nicki are responsible for the gay parents sector.
“We were at a meeting one evening and I made a comment about how useful it would be for there to be a gay network that existed outside of London.” Nicki says “turns out everyone thought it was a great idea and my idle comment turned into a fully fledged idea!”
For the pair, the charity is not only a good support system but has provided them with many lifelong friends. In terms of gay parent support networks it is unique in that it provides many local couples with a weekly support system and information on adoption and IVF procedures.
Even better - it can mean that in the future Will has other kids he can turn to who will be in the same situation as him - I.e. other kids of gay parents.
But gay parents come in many forms - whether its those who have adopted, or fostered, or had children by a previous heterosexual relationship.
“It’s for people who feel isolated and want to make contact - and to say that we’re here and going through it too” Nicki says.
The problems gay couples might face in suburbia could be anything which nursery to choose or how to judge whether a school will be “gay-friendly”; to just airing your own concerns about whether your child is receiving a balanced enough support system.
A recent problem for the group to tackle was a lesbian couple who were attempting to adopt a mixed-race foster child. “This threw a whole new iron into the fire as it meant that the adoption services had to also consider whether he would be better with someone of his own race rather than a Caucasian couple”.
So would the services have been so rigorous with a heterosexual couple? “Probably actually yes” says Zoe “and they were able to adopt him in the end so their support system was eventually recognised”.
“We have been targeted before for the work we do” Zoe says “and our chairman has had his house burgled six times.” Although the couple are not willing to speculate as to who’s behind the abuse - they do take comfort that some of their community have supported them throughout: “The local church has been nothing but supportive to us and for that we will always be thankful”.
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